


What we are

by AXEe



Series: What we are [1]
Category: Supergirl (TV 2015)
Genre: F/F, redemption arc, trigger warning mention of rape
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-08-23
Updated: 2016-08-23
Packaged: 2018-08-10 16:37:26
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,957
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7852849
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AXEe/pseuds/AXEe
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>I found her on my couch.  Just…sitting there, elbows on her knees, head down, staring at her hands, looking almost lost, like she wasn’t quite sure how she ended up here.  Coming home and finding someone in your apartment is already startling, coming home and finding your sister’s crazy aunt sitting on your couch is downright scary.</p>
            </blockquote>





	What we are

A falling star fell from your heart and landed in my eyes  
I screamed aloud, as it tore through them, and now it's left me blind  
The stars, the moon, they have all been blown out  
You left me in the dark  
No dawn, no day, I'm always in this twilight  
In the shadow of your heart  
\--Florence + the Machine "Cosmic Love"  
_____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

I found her on my couch. Just…sitting there, elbows on her knees, head down, staring at her hands, looking almost lost, like she wasn't quite sure how she ended up here. Coming home and finding someone in your apartment is already startling, coming home and finding your sister’s crazy aunt sitting on your couch is downright scary. So I did what any other DEO agent would've done, I drew my gun. Astra barely glanced up, even though I knew she must’ve heard me. Hell, she probably heard me coming halfway across the city.

“Planning on killing me, Agent Danvers?” she murmured as she stared off into space “you missed your chance,” she added darkly “I’m already dead,” she muttered, and then suddenly laughed, it was a bitter, hollow sound that frankly scared the shit out of me “I died the day my sister sent me to Fort Rozz,” she added, finally turning to look up at me, her eyes were softer, more…sane, but haunted, as if what happened earlier tonight had somehow shocked her back into reality, like she had just woken up from a terrifying nightmare and suddenly realized that it had all been real “you could have killed me tonight,” she pointed out “you should have,” she added bitterly, looking away “it would be no less than I deserve”

I slowly lowered my gun, she wouldn't kill me, I knew that instinctively, why else would she wait for me in my apartment, if she had really wanted to kill me she could have just burst through the door, broke my neck, and left. Instead she waits for me and then actually engages me in a conversation

“You could have killed me tonight,” I pointed out “but you didn't”

“No,” she agreed quietly, almost whispering “I didn't…”  
_____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

_I watched as Astra easily knocked J’onn to his knees, before she drew a knife, pressing its tip to his throat_

_“Fear not, Martian,” she hissed “you shall have a soldier’s death” I saw my opening, I drew the sword, my first instinct had been to just run her through, but for some reason I couldn’t do it, I couldn’t just rip her away from Kara, not while there was still a chance. Instead I did the stupid thing; I lunged forward, wrapping my arm around her neck and pressing the blade against her throat, essentially holding her in a choke hold_

_“Astra! Stop!” I hissed in her ear. I watched as she stiffened, her grip on J’onn’s throat weakening. The knife suddenly slipped from her hand and clattered on the concrete, she straightened up and slowly turned to face me, the sword still against her throat “don’t make me use this” I warned, I meant it as a threat, but I felt more like I was begging her_

_“Go ahead,” she whispered “do it, slit my throat” and I had the sudden impression that she_ wanted _to die, I shook my head, I wasn’t going to give her the easy way out, dying let her off the hook, made it so she didn’t have to own up to her actions_

_“No, you can stop this, Astra,” I told her “you can go home again, back to Kara” I tried, there! I could see it again, that same look of uncertainty she’d had before J’onn intervened “just give up,” I pleaded “please…help us, help Kara” in a blur, Astra suddenly knocked the sword out of my hand and grabbed me by the throat again and yanking me forward until we were almost nose-to-nose, I saw J’onn shift back into his real form, but he stayed still, waiting for my signal._

_I still couldn't read Astra’s expression, even this close, I took a breath, realizing that her grip on my throat was actually almost non-existent, she could easily strangle me or break my neck, but instead she was just holding me in place “Astra, please, do what you know is right” I whispered, and suddenly…she was kissing me, desperately, hungrily, like she was dying of thirst and I was water, and then just as suddenly, she pushed me away._

_She backed away from me, she looked, shocked, frightened, and before either J’onn or I could stop her, she shot up into the sky, disappearing into the night..._  
_____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

“Why did you kiss me?” I finally asked

“I don’t know,” she answered “it felt…right, natural even”

“That’s not an answer” I told her

“No, no, it’s not,” she agreed with a slow nod, still staring off into space “in that moment, I felt something I haven’t felt in years”

“And what’s that?” I asked, she chuckled, a bit disbelief in her tone

“Hope,” she answered “in that moment, I had what your kind might call an ‘epiphany’, as if a switch had been flipped, I realized that all my actions since my escape from Fort Rozz up to that point were born of rage and pain and resentment and loss, the products of a battered, insane mind…do you know what the conditions in Fort Rozz were like?” she asked, I shook my head

“No” I’d slowly moved from the doorway towards her and was now leaning against the armrest of couch

“Fort Rozz,” she began slowly “was a living nightmare,” she grimaced as she explained “Krypton had no death penalty,” she began “we considered ourselves far too advanced for such ‘barbaric’ measures as capital punishment. As such, the maximum sentence for any and all criminal acts committed on Krypton was lifetime imprisonment within Fort Rozz, after which the prison and the inmates were left to their own devices. The only contact between Krypton and the wardens was when new prisoners arrived, aside from that there was no…control, no outside authority to dictate how the prisoners were to be treated, the High Council seemed to have what you might call a policy of ‘out of sight, out of mind’ in that regard, a fact that the last shred of respect I have for my sister hopes she knew nothing about. The guards could beat us, torture us, even kill us with little chance of reprimand or punishment, and often did just that,” she took a shaky breath, as if steadying herself “because I had been a highly decorated military official before my arrest the guards decided to…make an example out of me. I was beaten half to death the second I arrived, in fact the guards seemed to take a kind of perverse pleasure in beating me regularly,” she leaned back and sighed, resting her head against the back of the couch and closing her eyes, smiling humorlessly “the other horrors came later” she added quietly

“Other horrors?” I repeated, not sure if I wanted to know. I’d finally ended up actually sitting down next to her and was watching her profile as she nodded slowly

“Hmm,” she murmured “other horrors, solitary confinement with random beatings was a favorite, as was hard labor, as well as starvation…so was rape” I sat up straighter, shocked

“Astra…,” I began carefully “are you saying…?” she nodded

“Only once,” she answered “the next time they attempted it, they didn't live to finish the task,” I swallowed down my horror at hearing this, especially at the mention of ‘they’, she opened her eyes then and turned to look at me, her eyes were softer, almost pleading, like she trying to make me understand her side of things “so, you see, Kara was right when she said that I went crazy in Fort Rozz, about how everything good in me died as I stared out into the emptiness of the Phantom Zone for year after year” I took a breath, trying keep my composure, everything I ever thought about this woman was suddenly thrown for a loop. I’d always thought of her as just some crazy terrorist, but now I realized that she was a desperate woman who had been driven to extremes to try to save her home and who suffered horribly for it, condemned to an eternity in a living hell by her own twin sister. Anyone would go crazy under those circumstances

“Astra, I’m sorry to hear you had to go through that, I really am,” I told her “but…it still doesn't answer my question, why did you kiss me?” she sighed again and reached out and lightly brushed her fingertip against my cheek, like she did the first time I met her, but that had been a mockery of affection, this wasn't

“I kissed you,” she began “because as I looked into your eyes right then I realized that you were right, my heart was no longer in this war, it hadn't been since I discovered that Kara was still alive,” she straightened up slightly as she continued “I kissed you because I realized that I want, I need, your help…,” she trailed off, lapsing into silence “I’m so _tired_ ,” she finally sighed, sagging back against the couch sounding like she might just _break_ right there and then “I’m tired of fighting,” she continued “I’m tired of death, I’m tired of having my niece so close and yet so far away. I've been fighting to save lives for so long that I've forgotten was it feels like to actually live, to be at ease, to enjoy another’s company, the warm of another’s touch…,” she chuckled “and then I saw you, lying on the ground in that dirtied warehouse, injured, immobile, unsure of your fate, but, even then, I couldn't intimidate you, I couldn't break you, I could never break you, no one could. You were so defiant, so courageous, so….brave,” she trailed off again and I suddenly realized what was going on.

Astra was in love with me

My sister’s not-so-crazy-anymore aunt was now sitting on my couch confessing her love for me “I asked you before,” she said quietly “if Kara is your sister, and I am her aunt, what does that make us?” and I remembered when she had first asked me that in Kara’s apartment earlier today, there had been something about the way she’d looked at me, something in her eyes that I’d overlooked or, more likely, ignored at the time, a plea for forgiveness, a cry for help, and something else, like...desire, want, and I realized right then that, whatever she felt for me, it was very real. It wasn't like hero worship, or some weird version of Stockholm syndrome, Astra really was in love with me, helplessly, head-over-heels, forget-your-own-name, I-would-die-for-you, kind of love.

“I don’t know” I finally answered

“Do you deny that you’re attracted to me?” she asked, and I suddenly realized, as if someone had just shot me in the gut, that, somewhere along the way, probably after seeing her being tortured by General Lane, that I’d fallen for her. I’d fallen so hard and so fast that I hadn't even noticed I’d been falling at all until now

“No,” I took a breath “but, I need to know, are we talking about a purely…sexual…attraction here…or…something…more?” I jumped when her fingertips suddenly gently brushed across my face, running along my cheekbone, it was, again, similar to the touch she had used back in that warehouse, but like I said before, that had been a mockery, something she used to try and intimidate me, this touch was gentle, affectionate… _real_

“If this was a purely sexual attraction, Alexandra, I would not be here,” she told me softly, a hint of that arrogance back in her tone, and I found I liked how she said my full name. She was suddenly closer than she had been a few minutes ago, and I found myself automatically tensing up as she reached out and cupped my face “please don’t” she said quietly

“Don’t what?” I asked

“Be afraid,” she answered “I don’t want you to be afraid me,” she whispered against my lips, downright begging me “not you,” she pleaded “never you, not anymore” 

“I’m terrified” I admitted, she suddenly dropped her hands and pulled away from me

“Of me” she said softly, matter-of-fact, she sounded angry. Mad at herself, I realized, she was mad at herself for even thinking that she was worthy of redemption, of a second chance. I shook my head and quickly gripped her wrists when it looked like she might get up. Bringing her hands up to my face again, I boldly pressed a kiss to the inside of each of her wrists

“I’m not afraid of you” I told her

“You should be,” she whispered, squeezing her eyes shut and looking away “the things I've done, the lengths I would go to, that I have gone to, in order to protect those I love, if you knew…” I let go of one of her wrists and reached out and cupped her cheek, stopping her mid sentence

“Astra, look at me,” I encouraged, when she finally opened her eyes I continued “I’m not afraid of you, I never was, I've been intimidated by you, unnerved by you, yes, but never afraid, but right now, I’m afraid of…of what you represent” I explained, she frowned 

“What do I represent to you?” she asked, looking so utterly confused that I found it cute as hell

“Hope,” I answered “you said you've been fighting for so long that you forgot what it feels like to live,” I began “well…you’re not the only one…I…I've been protecting Kara, keeping her safe, looking out for her, watching over this weird kid that Superman just dropped off on my parents front lawn one day for so long that…sometimes I wonder if…if…I’m the one who’s forgotten what it means to live, if I've gotten myself so wrapped up in the idea that I have to protect Kara, that I’ll never get the chance to, you know, have a ‘normal’ life,” I confessed “not that I don’t love Kara,” I added quickly “I do. But sometimes…I wonder…” I trailed off, letting go of her wrists, embarrassed at baring my heart to this woman. Astra gently lifted my chin up so that I could look into her eyes, she had this look of…wonder on her face, and as I was admiring the beauty of her expression she smiled softly

“There’s a phrase,” she began “written by one your planet’s authors that I think is appropriate for this moment: ‘we can become stronger—at the broken places’”

“Hemingway” I recognized, she nodded softly

“In our own way, we two are both…broken people, broken by events and circumstances largely beyond our control. Perhaps, if we try, we can mend ourselves…together” she offered, she sighed and reached out and cupped my face again, before leaning in and resting her forehead against mine, waiting for my reply. It was quite possibly the most romantic thing anyone has ever said to me, and I found myself leaning in to close the gap between us, gently pressing my lips against hers, this kiss was almost chaste compared the first one, and as I pulled away I noticed that she was shaking, trembling

“Are you all right?” I asked, she chuckled dryly

“I’m terrified” she admitted, parroting my words

“Of me?” I asked, she shook her head

“Of what you represent” she answered

“Hope?” I asked, she nodded

“And so much more,” her fingers gently ran down the sides of my face and under my jaw to rest on my pulse point “in this moment, I can see a future for myself I never thought I’d have, a future with Kara as my family again, with you by my side” she explained, she leaned back to look me square in the eye “I am willing to try, to explore what this means,” she told me, that arrogant tone back in her voice “are you?”

“I am,” I said “but…where do we go from here?” I wondered “I mean this isn't a fairy tale, this doesn't just end with ‘they lived happily ever after’, I know for a fact that the DEO won’t just welcome you with open arms, at least not right away anyway” I pointed out, Astra sighed

“I don’t know,” she admitted, sagging against me “I’m afraid I don’t know much about ‘dating’ as your kind calls it” she explained, I grinned

“Let’s start with the basics. How about dinner first,” I suggested “and then, maybe later, the bedroom?” I added, she laughed then, a bright, free sound, and as I pulled back slightly to look at her I saw that her eyes were bright and clear now, that wild insanity I’d seen in her eyes the first time I encountered her was gone

“Gladly” she answered, leaning in for another kiss. Things wouldn't just fall into place I knew, Kara wouldn't just accept back Astra with open arms, and she certainly wouldn't accept the fact that I was more-or-less dating her aunt right away, neither would Hank or the DEO, but it was a start, and as Astra brushed her lips against mine I suddenly saw what she saw, a future. A future with something in it for me besides just protecting Kara and hunting down alien fugitives, a future with Astra by my side…

END

**Author's Note:**

> Hey, look at that, my very first fanfic EVER!!! i actually have a sequel planned for that's still in the works


End file.
